~Complete Chaos~

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 05:33:19 GMT

Ya, so I had a lot of stuff on my mind, but ran across this on someone else's LJ, and it kind of made me smile so I figured I'd do it too.

LIFE SOUNDTRACK

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press Play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
7. Don't skip songs.

My Life Soundtrack is...

(1) Opening credits: 50 cent - when it rains it pours

(2) Waking up: Bring it On Soundtrack - Clover's national routune

(3) First day at school: Wavescope - The spirt (it's techno)

(4) Fight song: Clipse - Grinding

(5) Breaking up: Snoop Dogg feat. The neptunes - Signs

(6) Happiness: Jon B - They Don't Know

(7) Life's okay: Janet Jackson - Doesn't Really Matter

(8) Mental breakdown: Ray J - Quit Actin

(9) Driving: Ashanti - Don't leave me alone

(10) Flashback: Chris Brown - Poppin

(11) Getting back together: N.E.R.D - Lapdance (Trent Reznor NIN remix) lol

(12) Wedding: Cheetah Girls - Cinderella

(13) Birth of a child: All-4-one - I swear

(14)Final battle: Backstreet Boys - I need you right now

(15)Death scene: Tyra Banks - Shake ya body lol

(16)Funeral song: Fefe Dobson - Everything

(17)End credits: Ashlee Simpson - Love Me For Me

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 07:08:27 GMT

So here it goes. I think I've been able to boil it down to there being like 3me's. There's one side of me that I kind of look up to, that's cool, and think things through, has plans, goals...blah blah blah. There's the 2nd that pretty much feels like a pyscho, and by that I don't mean like raging or anything, but just like, doesn't care about anything. DOesn't wanna be around anyone, but at the same time doesn't wanna be alone bc they hate themselves. And then there's 3rd...the one typing now....that looks at the other 2 and says maybe it's all just one crazy person. The 3rd tries to figure out why everything feels so screwed up and off. I just feel empty. Ok, forget all that 3 ppl crap...I'm just a confused teen that has horrible moods...yeah, that sounds way less crazy. Anywho, I still don't get it. I have no idea why I feel so sad, vulnerable, cold and confused. I remember a time I didn't feel this way, but kind of shot that away. I really wanna go back to the meetings, and I tell myself every meeting night "tonight's the night". I get my clothes together and everything. Then something clicks, something snaps, something pops....and I back down. It's not that difficult...just go I tell myself. It's like....every now and then...and it's happening more often....I feel like....I have like this horrible secret, and anyone that looks at me can read it on my face...and then they look down on me. And....the more and more I type, the more I think it's them seeing how I see myself...yeah, that's it. I feel like ppl can see that hole I'm missing.

I have no idea what the heck I just typed, but w/e. I feel better. Maybe I'm just tired mentally and physically. It's 3am and I work 10-close.

yeah...I'm out.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 15:02:01 GMT

It's like...all I can describe it as is that I hurt. I just hurt...all over not in any particular place. I'm suppose to be going to work right now, but I honestly just don't care anymore. School...I registered for classes but I'm just going to drop them. I mean...what's the point? What is the point? It's like...**sigh**, I can't even explain it. idk what this feeling is, before I was mad and sad...now I'm just...I'm not content, I'm just like ... "whatever"...I just don't care anymore...I can't care anymore...and I have no idea why or where this is all coming from. Now...don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy...i don't hear voices or anything like that, but I guess I can kinda relate to people like that, but I guess they hear people or voices or what not...like in their mind they hear them, and trying to explain that to someone...people just look @ you weird. And with me it's like...my emotions, I don't know why I feel the way I feel...is it b/c someone said or did something to you? Are you having problems with friends...? And it's like, that's not it. I guess it's like someone telling you their leg hurts and you're like..."did you hurt it? did you strain it? did you sleep in the weird way, is it an old injury flair up?" And then they say no to all of that....you think their crazy....hmm...maybe I am crazy....but w/e like I said b4 i just don't care anymore...I can't care anymore.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 02:50:29 GMT

Man, its crazy. How one minute someone's you're like best friend/ biggest fan when they need something, and then when you turn around to see if they have your back they're nowhere to be found. heh, I feel like I'm still in middle school. Speaking of school i don't even know what I'm gonna do. I know I should go back, and I want to, but it's like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I hate my job...scratch that, I hate the management, and just wanna walk out. My dad's supportive about, b/c I could walk tomorrow and all my bills would be fine, and I could go work for him and go to school full-time. On the other hand, if I stop working where I am now, I feel like they'll have even more control of me. Which now brings me to the hard spot. 3 days out of the week this place is fine, the other 4 its just like...man. So I don't want to be kicking myself if I leave my job and then get stuck here. I just...don't know what to do. I see myself losing it no matter which direction I go. It's like letting a man on death row choose if he wants the chair or lethal injection. Anywho....w/e. I just needed to get this off my chest b/c I'm getting to "that point", and figured typing stuff out was worth a try. I mean, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for...that I def. don't deserve. And I know they're always there to listen but I don't wanna be that "whining friend" that always has something wrong with them, and is always complaining. Esp. since my emotions are like a rollercoaster. It's like one minute I'm fine and the next I feel like scum, and there's no real way to explain that to someone and make them understand when you don't even understand yourself. idk, I just feel like sometimes I'm just...here, I don't really exist...I'm just...here. Well, I'm gonna go search youtube for something to make me laugh.

yeah....

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 22:35:12 GMT

Livejournal, livejournal....wow. It's been a while. I'm just typing off of the top of my head so forgive me (if anyone's reading this) if I seem a bit spacey. Things right now are kind of...weird, but could be a lot worse so I'm not going to moan. Things at work (I work for AT&T) are ok, I've official been emplyed there for 1 year and 2 days...so that's pretty cool I guess. I didn't think I would last that long. My boss...I THINK is getting better, but it might because I heard his butt is on the line if he doesn't get it together. I really miss Matt. Matt was a guy who worked there, got a promotion and moved back home (New Yrok), but his family's up there, so I can understand him being home-sick, but my goodness I miss him. But, at least I still have 2 other co-workers that I'm really close to, Aaron and Kathy. Kathy's like my mom there, and Aaron's like a good big brother. Anywho, I'll update more abou tthat later.

Speaking of big brother, he's suppose to be coming down tomorrow...and bringing me this really cool neckless...I'm pretty sure it's bad that I'm more excited abou tgetting that, than seeing hime...but oh well. Moreya still think's he doesn't really exist b/c she's never met him, but hopefully that will change. The whole family is suppose to be coming from West Palm as well. A cousin of my grandmother's is going to be coming from California, so of caurse that's an excuse for a bbq. lol, w/e get's the family together is good spirits is good with me. Grandma's in the hospital though. She should be out saturday, but don't have all the details on that, but I'll find out when I pop in there tomorrow. I know it's good that people pop up in times of need, but I hate it when they act like the people who are there all the time know nothing and haven't been doing anything. I see my gma like every other day, and we're real close. And my mom and her are even closer, so we always get our toes stepped on when fam. comes into town...and they only see her/ call her on holiday's and when they want something. Hopefully this whole thing will teach them they can't do that anymore, and they should be around b.c we care fore each other. Aww man, I'm starting to sound like Dehlilah now....

whew, this is nice. i forgot how theraputic this could be. I can't talk to my mom about stuff b.c. she over thinks stuff, and sometimes I just need to get stuff off my chest, and pops is always working, or just tired b.c. he was just working. I know I said it b4, but this time LJ's going in my favorites, looks like I'll be back for a while.

Sorry

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 04:16:16 GMT

I'm not sure how many people read this, but I'm throwing this out there. I have acted like a complete @$$hole to people who haven't deserved it, and mean a lot to me. I know "I'm sorry" doesn't really mean anything to a lot of people but I do hope in time that will change. So if I offended anyone on here, or on myspace, please don't take it personally because it wasn't you. (F.Y.I. if you were on my MySpace friends list, it wasnt' just you I removed, I took off everyone. I won't start it back up until some much needed "changes" take place).

With much love and remorse,
D.K.M.C.

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 09:12:46 GMT

"Friends...how many of us have them? Friends, one's we can depend on..." I Finally see why I use to have the whole "don't have friends, can't get hurt by them" outlook. But NO, I had to be "outgoing" and stop being "anti-social". Well at least being "anti-social" doesn't leave you feeling used, unheard, and feeling lower than dirt. Friend...I use to think there was one def. for the word, but apparently there's many, and it's one huge gray area. Friends...just a whole bunch of bull.

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 03:22:04 GMT

Not sure how many people are still doing the whole LJ thing, but I thouhg I'd pop back in to let ppl know I'm still alive. Well, it hit me today that this is the first time that I'm excited and ready to go to school. Ready for studying and all that jazz, it's wild. Just got back from New Orleans, and man let me tell you, that place STINKS!! Literally, it smells like either vomit or poo everywhere. I missed St.Pete, and I'm glad I'm back. Went to Vegas 2 weeks before, and it's was hot as heck there. 118 to be exact, and I don't care what anyone says, dry heat is much worse than humidity heat, it felt like you were dying out there. Well, I'm feeling kinda lazy and need tha tlast bit of energy to do my last workout...that's right you heard it...WORKOUT! Next time you see me...well, let just say you'll be in for a surprise :-p !

.::I'm nice wit mines::.
~Lady Dee~

Thu, 12 May 2005 02:10:19 GMT

Wow, today was crazy. Lets start from the begining...

Senior Picnic:
I didn't get there til 10 to start off...long story. For the first like 20 minutes I chilled with Marcus and Sherman, and dj'ed a little bit, that was fun. And then there were the water fights...i got Melnick GOOD, but then I was paranoid the rest of the day about him getting me back...but i definately got a picture with him...hey, i wonder how many girls can say they got Melnick got them wet, and then they returned the favor...hmm, not many I hope...EAT YOUR HEART OUT AMANDA, haha, j/k much luv girl. I really don't wanna get into the whole water "ambush", i'm still confused about it. hmm...well, i guess the rest of the picnic I would have to describe with the pics i took...they'll be coming to a livejournal near you real soon kids ;-).

After the picnic, back to school:
Called my dad to come pick me up, and then Ohmar and I ducked and dodged trying to get away from Malichi, that was interesting. When I finally got home i almost had a nervous break down because i lost my phone. That was only time I was doing 60 through Lakewood Estates, it's a miracle the car didn't flip. Turned out I had gave it to Marcus earlier so it didn't get wet. I was so happy they had it, and plus they looked otu for me with the drinks and food at the picnic, that i hooked them up with some flips...much luv guys, idk what i'm gonna do with out you.

The prize queen:
So i'm outside helping my dad build our flower bed...which is going to be awesome, we're building it from straight scratch and...well i'll post a pic of it when it done...and i get a phone call from Kahran's mom. Myself and some other YES seniors are being honored this weekend at a St.Pete Excellence Award ceremony. We're all getting $100 gift certificates to wherever we so choose, to use in what ever way we want. Say it with me now...that's hot! A few minutes later i start watching UPN 44 and i remember they're giving out 2 PSP's a day. Now I've been trying to think of a scheme to get one of these things for a while, especially since this kid in one of my classes things he's the ish b/c he has one and brings it to school like everyday. So I try to get in, and I DO! I was 4th caller, say it with me now...that's hot. I feel bad for the poor guy I won from, i think he's gonna need a hearing aid. But yeah, that was great. So yeah, the day was crazy, oh yeah. My dad an dI had a bet, he say Anthony F. would make it to the finally of American Idol, and I said no way, Vonzell would, and I definately won...that's hot too.

Alright, I'm tired of typing...

AYI!!!

Sat, 07 May 2005 17:19:01 GMT

I'm going nowhere fast and there's absolutely no way to slow down. I took an honest look at myself today, and I realized it's too late to change the way I'm going. I don't have the slightest clue about what I want to do anymore, and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to get there.

Usually kids like me would sharpen up and join the army, and kind of "find myself" there, but I can't do that because of certain beliefs I hold. Lately I've been looking up used cars, because lets face it, there's no way I'm going to be able to get a new or even close to new car. Those of you that have one, you're blessed. I sat down and talked to my parents about what's the reality of me getting a car anytime soon (soon meaning in the next 3 months) ,they looked at each other and laughed...cold crap bags are what they are. Then I just flat out asked them what would I need to do to get one, because I can't get one on my own, i'm 16. They kinda beat around the bush, and then I pointed out I wasn't looking for a hand out, and that I'd have 2 jobs this summer, and definately one possibly two in the fall. They then sat silent for what seemed like eternity, but realistically was probably about a minute, and my mom says " if you did get a car, it would have to be put in our name, because just because you're paying for it and have the keys doesn't mean it's yours and you can go wherever you please when you want to go"...Ok, so life just totally got a lot more confusing. That's when I realized that this fall I'll be in college and still have to ask my parents to go to the store or to the movies. And then I got to thinking...where will it go from there?

The plan was to go to SPC for 2, get my AA, and then from there a University...which one depends on what I decided to major in. But now that I take, I don't know how that's going to work. I thought I'd start early, maybe find an apartment and try to start living on my own, but my parents basically told me they were the only way I'd be able to get one...and they didn't like say it in words, but more so in the tone that that would never happen.

So now, I'm sitting here like...where do I go now? What do you do when your past is something to be dispised, your present is confusing and seems to never move on to become your past, and you have no future? Don't know how to answer that question? Me either, lucky for you you're not in that situation.

Damn

Fri, 06 May 2005 16:32:54 GMT

Take the quiz: "Which designer are you?"

Ralph Lauren
You're neat and well-raised. You are sporty but in a stylish way. You are totally Ralph Lauren!

Wed, 04 May 2005 19:47:38 GMT

My Grad invite...tell me what you think

( please be nice :-/ )

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 04:29:34 GMT

GRAD NITE WAS RIDICULOUSLY GREAT, AND ONE OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE!!!!

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 04:52:04 GMT

This actually made me cry, because at one time, I was somewhat like that, not exactly, but I know how it felt. It's the most horrible scary feeling anyone could ever experience. An experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. If you're sensative, or easily offended, I strongly suggest you not read it.

"Alone"
dripping in the sink
the wet fragrant drops
the sweet life element leaves me
only for a moment the pain of my tormented soul escapes through the beautiful cuts in my flesh
the evil
the rotten
the self-hate
the fear
drop by drop
leaving me gasping
caught up in the moment loving this feel, just one more gash should do it
the deep hunger to slash the veins grows fondly
my mouth salivating over the indulgent high i am receiving
not enough
i must go higher
another slice
deeper
the flesh was more ripe
'bleed b*tch' is all i can bring myself to say
the now orgasmic like waves of relief fill my body as i watch the blood dripping
leaving my hideous body
to find love for itself in the drain
i find myself awoken from my lustful coma by footsteps
they CAN NOT see what i've done
lodge the door closed with my foot as i rinse the sink like a maniac
covering my arm with the first thing i see, a hand towel, waiting for them to leave the hallway
once they've gone, i cover my battle wound with an extra-large bandage
then like i hadn't cut at all, the euphoric moment has become bitter and stale
the pain rushes back in as fast as the blood passed out
i'm just as worthless and alone as before
just leaning over the sink crying
starring at my wretched reflection in the mirror

The point I guess I'm trying to get across, is that, if you have a friend that you know is doing something harmful, even if it's just something they do "once in a while", PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do anything to get them to stop. Because the longer it goes on, the longer it takes to quit. No one is immune or can "control" it once it becomes a habit. And "it" can be anything, not just what the poem was about. PLEASE, speaking from experience, if they're really your friend...even if they're not, do something. And if you're the type that chooses to do nothing, remember, you made a choice either way.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:53:00 GMT

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:49:27 GMT

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Ha ha, if only this was true :-P

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 03:04:40 GMT

Woah, it's been a long time. Too much has been going on for me to put everything, so I'll just go with what's recent. I've been thinking, and want other people's opinion. If someone is addicted to something, are they ever free from it? Or will they forever stay an addict...I want some other people's opinions, and then I'll put mines in a comment. And if I don't get any comments (which is very likely because I haven't updated in months), then oh well.

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 02:06:34 GMT

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Enough said

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 00:07:10 GMT

and what's weird is i kept on retaking it, and got him 4 times, minh once, and the rest girls...freaky

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 04:06:38 GMT

Wow, it's been a while. I thought I'd check in so everyone would know I'm still alive. It's too much of a bother to say what's been goin' so i'll just touch on the big things. I saw Ivery!!!! Aww man, it could NOT have come at a better time...just his name being said will make me smile nonstop for at least 20 minutes. It's crazy how much I care about him. But until then, BP is nice eye candy :-p . Oh yeah, I didn't get most humorous, idk why not b/c the ppl that were counting them said I was in the lead...but oh well, the whole voting process on anything at lakewood is crap anyway. So many of the results have been screwed up, but ahh well, you live and you learn. Went to the Fox shoot 2day, it was...interesting. I mean, it was a belly dancing class...with marcus, christy AND courtney in it. I would have went to sleep if it wasn't for them. I laughed so hard I cried...good times good times. Went and saw White Noise 2nite. I WILL NEVER IN MY LIFE GO TO A MOVIE I DON'T WANT TO EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! wow, that was repetitive. Well, a scary movie anyway, it was awful, i shut my eyes half the movie. Courtney offered to not go see it, but i knew she wanted to and really wanted to get out of the house, so i said yeah. I scared the mess out of the ppl sittin next to us. And I almost got us shot on the way home TWICE!!! Note to self, keep hands as far away from horn as possible. But...hmmm I think that's it. Or all I care to write about anyway. I have to be up at 3:30, me and pops gotta be outta here at 4 to go to West Palm.

.::I'm nice wit mines::.
~Nooch~

Holiday time sucks for me

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 21:22:55 GMT

Holidays are a joyous time of the year...who ever said that was full of it. I'm happy for the people who are living up this time of year, but it's been nothing but crap for me. And it's not even the fact that I don't celebrate any of the commercial holidays...nope, things are craptacular on their own. The few friends that I can share this time of year with, without making them feel uncomforatable have bailed on me because I can't do something for them. I can't go to work because my boss is an buttmunch. My dad is obsessed with football and bbqing, and my mom has her friends that she talks with 24/7. Which leaves me here, on my computer, which normally wouldn't be a bad thing b/c I can talk to my friends on AIM right? WRONG, everyone's gone, which is understandable, but sucks for me. To be perfectly honest, i'd rather be in school right now, b/c at least I'd have something to do. But no, my whole vacation has been, wake up, take dad to work, watch tv, do w/e mom needs to do, pick dad up, fight with him on what to watch on tv, shower, sleep. What an exciting break. This is my senior year in high school, and I have no fun memories to remember it by. The only thing I do is go to the Fox shoots...that's ALL I DO. I have no life, and have no hope in finding one. I really hope next year will be different, I truely truely do. Enough whining, I'm out

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 19:53:22 GMT

Janice Ian

Which Mean Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 07:22:40 GMT

Taking a very small break from my "Personal Fitness and You" all nighter...I am so afraid I'm not going to pass the test. Stanbeezy's all like 90% of the kids that take it fail...why would you tell me that? I mean, can anything buy me feeling like crap come from that statement? Anyways, before I get too into the post I'm gonna go end it, take a caf. pill, and get back to it.

P.S. - shouts out and big up tp mah main gurls J-mato and Shar for helpin me go to college, lol... oh yeah, and Marcus for not getting mad at me after school...u kno y, and I'm not gonna put u out there, thanks man, you kno i luv ya boi

..::I'm tired wit mines::..
~holla~

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 00:22:23 GMT

Boy here I go again. I can't believe how fast I hit this new low. What do you do when you're no longer hungry, when you've lost your apetite? It's as if life itself has lost all of it's youthful pleasures to me. The child like anticipation for the next day has ceased to exist and seems as if it's lost forever. I don't know where I made the wrong turn, but I'm at a dead end now. I can't go forward, backwards, left, or right...I just don't know what to do :-/

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 17:17:03 GMT

Bad Boy - Your ideal guy is the rebellious and
muscular bad boy. He's into living life outside
the lines - and having fun doing it.
Turn ons: You'll enjoy being wrapped up in those
biceps.
Turn offs: He might not always stay true to you,
and those motorcycle rides can seriously screw
up your hair!

What is your ideal type of guy? (With Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

and they actually pinned me.

Which One Of Your LJ Friends Will You Marry?
LJ Username
Favorite color
Gender
You will marry...	laundrylife
You will be married for...years	98
Your combined income will be...	$135,014.74
You will have...children	15

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